BulimiaBeast

This is the diary of my secret shameful side. A Bulimia addict

Month: August, 2014

Neverending

I get up.
I shower, dress and do my makeup.
I go to the supermarket.
I buy binge food.
I go to the takeaway and buy a family portion of chips.
I go home and scoff it all down..every last morsel.
I try to purge whatever I can but know it isn’t all gone.
Then I sit and cry.

Every day.
Swap and change a shop or two so I don’t become well known.. but without a doubt a binge will unfold.

It seems to be all I know.

Eating my hard work.

Its starting to worry me lately how I read about so many others with bulimia yet they consume less than the recommended daily intake.
Yes, you are also purging and this makes it bulimia/combination anorexia- but am I the only one who is consuming in excess of 5,000 calories a day every day?!
I spend more than my rent,petrol and power combined just on food.
I am in debt because of my nasty behaviour.
I am ashamed of myself and my bingeing; it is such an unattractive activity that I lose all control and self respect whilst engaging in.

Who else is in a non-restricted binge/purge relationship?

Dire swap.

So everyday I contemplate suicide or I think about a scale on where I feel I fit in terms of wanting to die that day. I have come to the conclusion I haven’t just yet got the balls to do it but that doesn’t keep me from thinking.
Anyway today I was thinking about all those poor children on the other side of the world that have been killed by shelling in playgrounds due to war.
I wish that they could take my place. Those children despite the terror they are surrounded by were probably still hopeful and positive for a future.
Then there is me who is ungrateful for everything I have regardless of my safe country and warm bed. Here I am wanting to die and rid myself of it all. If I could give them my life minus the Bulimia I would do it in a heartbeat. I don’t deserve this life.

How do you quit an addiction when your foe is a necessity?