Moving forward

So today my partner and I had some serious discussions about how our psychological states are stunting us from moving forward.

My partner has Borderline Personality Disorder which I am still trying to understand and I have been living with Bulimia for the past 10 years. I feel that potentially we are toxic for each other and we need to make some headway.

My boyfriend spends his days at work and then under the house in his man cave where he hides from his troubles and smothers his emotions by smoking marijuana.

I spend my day at work, the gym and doing housework in amongst my bingeing and purging behaviours. Some days are better than others.

My partner has himself booked in to see a psychologist which is a great step and he clearly wants to change his ways. Me on the other hand am only making this step because I feel it is unfair of me not try and change for the better of our relationship.

I love  my partner a lot but I am scared of the unknown. The unknown is what and who he is without the drugs. The unknown is whether or not he will still want me if he finds himself a better life. I guess in the end I want what is best for him and if that’s not me then so be it.

In the past there has been no specific clinics or psychologists available that focus on EDs in my area; but upon doing some googling this evening I discovered something new that has just popped up and has given me a glimmer of hope.

My purpose of this entry today is so I can log what I have consumed. So here it is:

  • 2 servings of quiche
  • chicken caeser wrap
  • hedgehog slice
  • cooked tuna sushi roll
  • teriyaki salmon sushi roll
  • peach and mango oat slice
  • 2 bananas
  • half ham salad roll
  • lollipop
  • white chocolate freddo
  • 6 cool mints
  • 1 serving quiche
  • packet of peanut choc protein balls
  • lesnak
  • easy mac
  • Bolognese and bowl of vegies
  • 2 slices cheese
  • Bowl of ice cream with milo topping
  • Various drinks consumed throughout the day mostly coffee and a milo

Obviously a lot of this was purged. Almost all.

I really hope by logging my intake I can pay more attention and eat less and be more mindful.