Today was shit.
I was full of emotions and it didn’t help that I smoked marijuana last night. As I mentioned earlier my partner smokes ALOT of marijuana and I occasionally try it and always regret it.
I experience immense paranoia and feelings of insecurity. My mind goes haywire and I start thinking things that I feel are insane. I usually end up passed out after a joint or a few billys.
Anyway I got quite upset when my boyfriend made a comment that I’ve never had a sesh with him before and I should sit and smoke bongs with him. He said this with an exciteable smile on his face and it was as if it is something he has always wanted from me. I said to him that’s simply something I cannot give him. I can hardly handle a few puffs let alone a whole session. Its always played in the back of my mind that maybe his ideal partner would be someone he could enjoy marijuana with. It really made me feel down and put some real stress on where this relationship is headed in my mind.
So I woke up this morning feeling okay despite the coma I fell into last night. Work was tedious and I ate more than I should have. I think I purged two or three times.
When I got home I was upset at the fact that my partner had failed to respond to my text during the day about my feelings towards marijuana and my insecurity that I wasn’t what he ideally wanted. He immediately went downstairs as he always does and proceeded to smoke. His dad was coming around soon for dinner and I as usual was expected to make dinner. It really peeved me that here I am upstairs making dinner for him and his father who are downstairs smoking whilst I am in an emotional state and have had no attention from him all day. I decided to leave and get some air. I was gone for a good hour and he didn’t even notice.
Anyway I didn’t want his dad to feel unwanted so I decided to cook lasagne for dinner and his dad was lovely and apologised for taking him away from me which wasn’t the issue at all. My partner ended up apologising but really this is an ongoing thing that happens everyday. I am not a priority of his at all.
The heartbreak I feel being in this relationship is immense. I find myself wishing I was dead. I even broke my shaver to get to the razor blade and contemplated cutting my wrist but once I made a tiny slice I pussied out from the pain.
I just don’t know where this life is going right now. Certainly nowhere good.
Todays food log
- Two eggs scrambled with fetta and mesclun
- Cheese and vegemite croissant scroll
- 3 bananas
- 1 mandarin
- punnet of raspberries
- Cooked tuna sushi
- Teriyaki chicken sushi
- 1/4 pear
- small piece of chocolate slice
- chicken salad
- protein bar
- Large square of lasagne with salad
I went to the gym but had small levels of energy.
I hope tomorrow is a better day