BulimiaBeast

This is the diary of my secret shameful side. A Bulimia addict

Category: Uncategorized

Lack of control

So today I had work and as per usual I seem to lose all control whilst I am driving around making deliveries. I think its because I am bored and my mind needs stimulation which is a recurring theme when I have binge sessions. As soon as I knocked off I seemed to lose any cravings for crap food. I think my issue is that my job is not fulfilling what I need.

Here is my intake:

  • two scrambled eggs with spinach and parmesan
  • Cheese and bacon croissant scroll
  • Chicken harissa wrap
  • hedgehog slice
  • Tuna with vegetables
  • White chocolate, caramel and macadamia slice
  • Chocolate marble bear
  • 2 bananas
  • Chicken stir-fry, egg and extra vegetables
Advertisements

Not so holiday

So I didn’t write my  intake yesterday as I have spent the weekend out camping. My partner and I just always seem to be arguing lately and its taking its toll. I had some good moments but a lot of negative ones too. I’m going to try to recall my intake as well as I possibly can.

Saturday –

  • Two eggs scrambled with spinach and parmesan
  • Tuna, boiled egg and vegetables
  • 1/2 peanut slice
  • handful of chocolate licorice
  • hamburger with salad
  • 3 sugarfree vodka cruisers (purged a bit of these and hamburger)
  • 1/4 share size bag of crisps

Sunday

  • 2 sausages, 2 slices of bacon and 1 egg
  • chicken caeser sandwich (purged some)
  • carrot cake
  • 3/4 bag of share size crisps
  • mouthful of tuna
  • ham and cheese on a slice of bread folded (tried to purge the last 3)
  • eye fillet with vegetables
  • whatever else I snack on after writing this

Snapchat-1184259457.jpg

Searching for satisfaction

I had yet another emotional day in regards to my relationship. I had an argument with my partner over something petty and felt stricken with grief and again questioning if I want to be with him. I mustered up the courage to ask a serious question that I was unsure if I wanted an answer to. I asked him if he felt he was happier when we weren’t together. He said that he doesn’t know when he has ever felt happy.

He said I need to stop trying to make him happy and focus on making myself happy. He needs to sort himself out and its nothing that I can fix.

I know this is true but I sometimes wonder if my presence in his life is causing more sorrow.

As I write this I am still hungry but as my purpose is to log, that’s what I shall do. I cant guarantee there wont be more food after this.

  • half serve of lasagne
  • cheese and vegemite croissant scroll
  • lemon meringue donut
  • Ham salad wrap
  • Hedgehog slice
  • 1 banana
  • piece of choc walnut slice
  • chicken breast
  • medium thin crust homemade chicken gourmet pizza
  • ham and cheese sandwich

I definitely felt as if I went overboard with my intake today. But on a positive note I can see some changes in my body fat and felt a slight bit happier with my appearance today. Also I have apparently dropped a kilo but I don’t rely too heavily on the scales as I fluctuate so much anyway.

Misery

Today was shit.

I was full of emotions and it didn’t help that I smoked marijuana last night. As I mentioned earlier my partner smokes ALOT of marijuana and I occasionally try it and always regret it.

I experience immense paranoia and feelings of insecurity. My mind goes haywire and I start thinking things that I feel are insane. I usually end up passed out after a joint or a few billys.

Anyway I got quite upset when my boyfriend made a comment that I’ve never had a sesh with him before and I should sit and smoke bongs with him. He said this with an exciteable smile on his face and it was as if it is something he has always wanted from me. I said to him that’s simply something I cannot give him. I can hardly handle a few puffs let alone a whole session. Its always played in the back of my mind that maybe his ideal partner would be someone he could enjoy marijuana with. It really made me feel down and put some real stress on where this relationship is headed in my mind.

So I woke up this morning feeling okay despite the coma I fell into last night. Work was tedious and I ate more than I should have. I think I purged two or three times.

When I got home I was upset at the fact that my partner had failed to respond to my text during the day about my feelings towards marijuana and my insecurity that I wasn’t what he ideally wanted. He immediately went downstairs as he always does and proceeded to smoke. His dad was coming around soon for dinner and I as usual was expected to make dinner. It really peeved me that here I am upstairs making dinner for him and his father who are downstairs smoking whilst I am in an emotional state and have had no attention from him all day. I decided to leave and get some air. I was gone for a good hour and he didn’t even notice.

Anyway I didn’t want his dad to feel unwanted so I decided to cook lasagne for dinner and his dad was lovely and apologised for taking him away from me which wasn’t the issue at all. My partner ended up apologising but really this is an ongoing thing that happens everyday. I am not a priority of his at all.

The heartbreak I feel being in this relationship is immense. I find myself wishing I was dead. I even broke my shaver to get to the razor blade and contemplated cutting my wrist but once I made a tiny slice I pussied out from the pain.

I just don’t know where this life is going right now. Certainly nowhere good.

Todays food log

  • Two eggs scrambled with fetta and mesclun
  • Cheese and vegemite croissant scroll
  • 3 bananas
  • 1 mandarin
  • punnet of raspberries
  • Cooked tuna sushi
  • Teriyaki chicken sushi
  • 1/4 pear
  • small piece of chocolate slice
  • chicken salad
  • protein bar
  • Large square of lasagne with salad

I went to the gym but had small levels of energy.

I hope tomorrow is a better day

Everything in its place.

6:38pm March 1st

I have just eaten dinner which consisted of chicken, fetta and salad with a low carb dressing. I am having the usual regurgitation urges that I get after any thing that passes my oesophagus.

So today I woke up at 4am and got myself ready in 15 mins then I heated up the leftover Bolognese and vegetables from dinner last night and ate that with a coffee. I left for work at 4:40am for a 5am start.

My job is a produce delivery driver wherein I supply produce to local cafes, restaraunts, schools and the like. I guess I have a bit of freedom when I am out and about on the road and this gives me the opportunity to sabotage my day with bingeing behaviour.

Today wasn’t as bad as usual, I only stopped once to grab something to eat which I then purged once I got back to the depot. After I purged I was hungry again so I crossed the road to the corner store and bought a burger. It was 9:30am by this point. I find regulating my meals hard when I start at such an odd hour.

We happened to have a motivational business seminar on today which we were given prepacked lunches. I ate all of that but so far even after dinner I have only purged the once.

My title refers to the American speakers approach to everything in life and I felt that I already implicate a lot of his ways in my own life. He spoke about ‘lean’ living which means to simplify everday tasks to create excellence. So eliminating unnecessary behaviours to increase productivity. I feel in ways I am a perfectionist and I like to keep things decluttered and organised so this was a real boost to my motivation levels today in reassuring me that I can be a worthy, productive human.

Once the seminar was over I went to the gym despite the unenjoyable heat. I know that if I don’t get some exercise in then my mood spirals downwards and I feel more and more depressed and self loathing.

I came home in a good mood and did lots of cleaning and cooked for my partner and I.

Today was a much better day then yesterday.

Here is my food log for the day:

  • Bolognese and vegetables (large portion)
  • Orange and poppyseed muffin
  • Chicken, Bacon, Cheese and Tomato burger
  • Dinner roll with silverside and salad
  • 2 Finger sandwiches with ham and relish
  • Apple
  • Small bag of nuts
  • Small cup of icecream
  • Chicken and fetta salad

20170301_182913.jpg

 

Moving forward

So today my partner and I had some serious discussions about how our psychological states are stunting us from moving forward.

My partner has Borderline Personality Disorder which I am still trying to understand and I have been living with Bulimia for the past 10 years. I feel that potentially we are toxic for each other and we need to make some headway.

My boyfriend spends his days at work and then under the house in his man cave where he hides from his troubles and smothers his emotions by smoking marijuana.

I spend my day at work, the gym and doing housework in amongst my bingeing and purging behaviours. Some days are better than others.

My partner has himself booked in to see a psychologist which is a great step and he clearly wants to change his ways. Me on the other hand am only making this step because I feel it is unfair of me not try and change for the better of our relationship.

I love  my partner a lot but I am scared of the unknown. The unknown is what and who he is without the drugs. The unknown is whether or not he will still want me if he finds himself a better life. I guess in the end I want what is best for him and if that’s not me then so be it.

In the past there has been no specific clinics or psychologists available that focus on EDs in my area; but upon doing some googling this evening I discovered something new that has just popped up and has given me a glimmer of hope.

My purpose of this entry today is so I can log what I have consumed. So here it is:

  • 2 servings of quiche
  • chicken caeser wrap
  • hedgehog slice
  • cooked tuna sushi roll
  • teriyaki salmon sushi roll
  • peach and mango oat slice
  • 2 bananas
  • half ham salad roll
  • lollipop
  • white chocolate freddo
  • 6 cool mints
  • 1 serving quiche
  • packet of peanut choc protein balls
  • lesnak
  • easy mac
  • Bolognese and bowl of vegies
  • 2 slices cheese
  • Bowl of ice cream with milo topping
  • Various drinks consumed throughout the day mostly coffee and a milo

Obviously a lot of this was purged. Almost all.

I really hope by logging my intake I can pay more attention and eat less and be more mindful.

 

 

image

Neverending

I get up.
I shower, dress and do my makeup.
I go to the supermarket.
I buy binge food.
I go to the takeaway and buy a family portion of chips.
I go home and scoff it all down..every last morsel.
I try to purge whatever I can but know it isn’t all gone.
Then I sit and cry.

Every day.
Swap and change a shop or two so I don’t become well known.. but without a doubt a binge will unfold.

It seems to be all I know.

Eating my hard work.

Its starting to worry me lately how I read about so many others with bulimia yet they consume less than the recommended daily intake.
Yes, you are also purging and this makes it bulimia/combination anorexia- but am I the only one who is consuming in excess of 5,000 calories a day every day?!
I spend more than my rent,petrol and power combined just on food.
I am in debt because of my nasty behaviour.
I am ashamed of myself and my bingeing; it is such an unattractive activity that I lose all control and self respect whilst engaging in.

Who else is in a non-restricted binge/purge relationship?

Dire swap.

So everyday I contemplate suicide or I think about a scale on where I feel I fit in terms of wanting to die that day. I have come to the conclusion I haven’t just yet got the balls to do it but that doesn’t keep me from thinking.
Anyway today I was thinking about all those poor children on the other side of the world that have been killed by shelling in playgrounds due to war.
I wish that they could take my place. Those children despite the terror they are surrounded by were probably still hopeful and positive for a future.
Then there is me who is ungrateful for everything I have regardless of my safe country and warm bed. Here I am wanting to die and rid myself of it all. If I could give them my life minus the Bulimia I would do it in a heartbeat. I don’t deserve this life.