BulimiaBeast

This is the diary of my secret shameful side. A Bulimia addict

How do you quit an addiction when your foe is a necessity?

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Fish, fish and more fish.

Today I am crazy sore. My groin is pulled to the extreme from running both today and saturday after a long break.
I had boxing training tonight also and I cannot recall feeling this unfit in a long time.
I know it’s because this past month I fell backwards hard and gave into too many binge sessions and gave up on exercise.
I need to force myself back into it.
So despite no “junk” binges today I still binged.
Brocolli, beans, onion, pumpkin, capsicum, asparagus, carrot and four HUGE fillets of fish is what I had for dinner. Massive serves of vegetables by the way and it took several helpings which I went out of my way to cook up more after I had already eaten.
Tried to purge here and there and I still have more to get out.
I almost gave up and drove to the supermarket to get chocolate after watching Masterchef but I didnt. (Woo go me!)

I can’t help that I’m hungry.

Just another day.

I woke up and scrounged any food I could find out of my cupboards/fridge and ended up with a ginormous serving of rice, fish and vegetables (I’m talkin’ three plates full). This ended up in the loo and my only venture out of the house was to stock up that toilet bowl.
I consumed:
– 300g packet of lollies
– 400g tempura chicken crackles
– 375g packet of white cooking chocolate buttons (cheaper than normal chocolate)
– 600g box of crunchy nut (yes. The entire box)
– packet of white wings jam and cream shortbread cookies
– 2 litres of homebrand ice cream
– box of chicken drumsticks

This is actually small compared to my usual intake as of late.

I am now enjoying a glass or two of red wine and contemplating what the hell is wrong with me.

It’s bed time now,
Goodnight xxx

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Battle

Right now I am struggling.
I am really sore from my run and my times spent at the gym yesterday and I just feel lazy. So far I have drunk almost a litre of coffee, eaten two heads of brocolli and a full cauliflower. Im on the verge of a binge and I am almost certain that at some point today I will end up at the supermarket rabidly throwing junk food in my basket.

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Last night I caved in and bought a packet of cigarettes also. I’m such a disappointment to myself. It doesn’t end.

It’s sad that I am jealous of those who have the strength to end their lives.

Numb.

Here I am again, another shift is complete at the bar and another burger in my belly.. also chicken breast and vegies which I prepared earlier..although it won’t be in there long. Today I decided I needed to force myself to get off my arse an exercise. A few weeks ago you could see my abs but I fell off the exercise bandwagon in a really bad way for the first time in a long while. Exercise is so important to me as I have no self control and a horrid diet. If I don’t exercise I am one unhappy girl and lately I’m getting super fat. I forced myself into the car and spent an hour at the gym then took advantage of the great weather to run 5k.
Immediately afterwards I was reminded why I like exercising. . It makes everything seem less of a problem.
Here is another little kinda big thing about me that I haven’t mentioned; Last year I won the championship title in my weight division for amateur boxing. I have mixed feelings about my boxing. People tend to define me by it and I hate that as I don’t feel worthy of the respect it brings. People don’t know about my secret bulimic life and the life I lead that does not give me the opportunity to dedicate myself to my training and health as I should.
It’s the only thing in my life that makes me interesting though and I guess I should be grateful.

Anyway I will check back in tomorrow or maybe the next day.. adios.

Post work Maccas.

Its 2AM and I have just knocked off from my bar job.
Without a doubt I cannot go to bed without eating food and being bulimic it’s not as if I have something waiting for me in the cupboard.  What do I never fail to purchase? Maccy D’s of course and tonight I accompany it with a sweet somersby cider. Currently my back teeth ache like bitches and I got the news today that I have one that is decaying and urgently needs removing. Logical thing to do would be to cease the cause of the problem but AS IF.
I am going to hate myself in five years time when my mouth looks like that of a meth addicts.

6 years and 8 months.

6 years and 8 months. That is how long I have been dealing with this bullshit.
I figure it is time to find an avenue to unleash my feelings that are bottled up inside hence this new blog of mine.
I don’t really know where to begin
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glut·ton·y
ˈglətn-ē/
noun
habitual greed or excess in eating.
synonyms: greed, greediness, overeating, gourmandism, gourmandizing, voracity, insatiability;