7 Days Sober

This is my longest streak in 6 months without binge purge behaviours!! I feel inwardly proud but outwardly there’s no emotion. I know this isn’t the end of my battle but this is great progress.

I now have 3 professionals on my team, knowing my situation and having my back. This is the first time I’ve been accepting of help and doing my best to be as transparent and honest as possible. There’s been so much shame in the past but I know that I have to disclose every thought and every feeling to truly understand what my triggers are and how I can change my thinking and behaviours to recover.

Friday was the first appointment with my ED Psychologist. I have been accepted into the Flinders University Service for Eating Disorders. This service is part of a study for trialling a new form of therapy based on CBT. I am also super fortunate that because it is a study, I do not need to pay. I am so thankful because the costs can really add up when seeing a trifecta of medical professionals.

I feel like I am understood and respected by them all which makes this process so much easier. In the past I didn’t feel that way but I also had walls up which makes it impossible to build a relationship.

Here’s to another behaviour free day 🤞🤞

Wow, it’s been a while.

I forgot this page existed. It’s now 2023 and a whole lot has changed, but not my disorder. That still clings to me like a part of my anatomy.

I came across this page when I heard about facecheck.id and I wanted to search my own face and see what popped up on the internet. One of my earlier posts appeared from this blog. I was actually quite impressed with my writing style from back then and the similarities in my thinking style from now to even back then.

I have changed but not completely.

There is so much I could say here and I don’t know what to touch on but for now I’ll mention I’m no longer in the toxic relationship that I was in years ago. I left that relationship early 2021 and right at the end of 2021 I met my current partner which is a completely different relationship. My life with him in it (new partner) is much more open, communicative and interesting. I’m not alone in a relationship. No relationship is perfect but we both put effort in and are trying to build together.

I’m also seeing a dietitian which only began a few months ago but has been a fantastic experience so far. I also have my first appointment with FUSED tomorrow which stands for Flinders University services for Eating Disorders. I am hopeful I am eligible for the free psychology services they provide. The clinician will be a student but they are learning the latest technologies and strategies so that part does not worry me. I will be grateful to have help which in the past I haven’t cared for. I could potentially assist them in their studies and future advancements for eating disorder patients.

I’m bingeing and purging approximately 2-3 times a week on average. It was worse when my partner was away for work purposes but my own work schedule is chaotic and adds to the inconsistency of my daily schedule and anxiety. I think this is one of the reasons I fall back to binge purge behaviours. I also think that I hold on to other people’s energy too much and if I have unsatisfactory interactions with people throughout the day I ruminate over thoughts surrounding that.