Make it come true.

You have three magic genie wishes, what are you asking for?

If I were to be given 3 wishes I would ask for the following:

1. To only ever have positive thoughts and speak positive, wise words. I would always be able to spin a negative situation into a positive one and find solutions to all problems. I would love myself and love others. I would be a wonderful influence on everyone around me.

2. To be bold and creative. Through this boldness and creativity I would be able to build the life of my dreams myself. I would come up with all kinds of amazing ideas and build a strong thriving business for myself which would give me the income I need to live an abundant life.

3. I would wish for a healthier childhood. One where I engaged in team sports and was active. One where my body was nourished correctly. I realise I missed out on social connection and team building skills by not participating in sports as a child. I also wouldn’t have reached the weight that I did in my high school years, my skin would not have stretched and I wouldn’t have developed the level of self loathing that I did.

Progress

I thought I should celebrate my progress so far with my ED recovery.

I began seeing my dietitian at the end of August this year and have since made alot of positive mental progress. My thoughts towards food have changed, my eating occurrences have increased, my hunger and cravings have decreased and my mood and energy levels feel more stabilised. I still have my days when I slip up but here is an overview of how things have changed since early this year.

Below is a tally of how many days per month I engaged in binge/purge behaviours.

April: 13

May: 23

June: 22

July: 21

August: 18

September: 14

October: 6

It’s hard to determine all the reasons why I behave in this way, there are many different triggers but often the initation of doing the behaviour snowballs into its continuation. It’s a habit I’ve developed and ingrained into my psyche over many many years and it needs conscious interception to stop and swap it with healthy behaviours.

I’m learning to be less harsh on myself, but that’s difficult as I feel pressures all around to be more, do more, be better. This rings true inside my mind even when I’m alone. If I sit for too long I feel guilty and lazy. I also have intrusive thoughts questioning why I bother to do anything at all. I tell myself I’m not contributing to society, I’m not a helpful person to talk to, I’m a bad influence, etc etc. These thoughts are hard to muffle.

On a lighter note, I’m going to end with a positive quote.

*All I need comes to me at the right place and at the right time*

Big Idea

What’s the biggest risk you’d like to take — but haven’t been able to?

I’ve had an idea right in the back of my mind collecting dust that I’ve finally brushed off and have been playing with again recently. Much more seriously this time.

I want to start a mobile coffee business. Upon beginning my research, I realise there are ALOT of considerations to make and many different variables.

I have the basic branding worked out including the name and colour scheme and very recently have set myself a budget to work with.

I will need to sit down and work out the costings for initial setup and project my ongoing expenses during operation. I’ll also need to find leads and opportunities to sell my product and decide on suppliers and determine type of customers I will target. I already have rough sketches in my mind of this.

I also need to look into the administration side of things such as permits, certifications, legal considerations, insurances, etc.

It’s a big job but I’m feeling more and more certain that I want to take it on.

Reddit – Positive Perspective

I came across an ED related post on Reddit yesterday about a female in a similar position to myself. She has been struggling with Bulimia for 15 years and not seeing any light in her situation.

I wanted to give her some of the hope that I’m currently feeling towards my relationship with the disorder and responded to her post with the following paragraph. I’m proud of what I wrote, 1. because it’s the truth and 2. Because I’ve never felt this way or been in this position before and it’s evident that I’ve made progress.

Hey 👋 I’m 30 next month and I’ve had bulimia since 14.
I understand your exhaustion with this.
It wasn’t until this year that I decided to take serious ownership and get help. I have always struggled to ask people for help and to open up but another deciding factor was my partner telling me he couldn’t handle my low mental state any longer and if I cared at all for our relationship I needed to get help. This was some tough love but absolutely fair. My lack of self esteem and desire for life was so low and was impacting him. If I can’t love myself, how can I allow someone else to. I was always saying self deprecating things around him and I still sometimes do but it’s not healthy for a partner to have to put up with that.
I got myself a regular GP at the start of the year and started the process to get onto an eating disorder care plan. I’m in Australia and luckily they have these available to those struggling with these conditions.
Due to the lack of professionals available in the sector and the high prevalence of individuals experiencing these kinds of conditions it’s been a huge wait to get the chance to see someone. It was a big process getting all the paperwork sorted and then the long wait to finally see someone but I started seeing a dietitian in August and just last week I now have a psychologist on board. I’ve been so hesitant in the past but they’ve been incredibly supportive in validating me and educating me. They have made changes in the way I perceive myself, understanding my triggers and helping me to find strategies to overcome urges. It’s not over and it’s not a linear journey but I’m feeling optimistic about it. I was mostly concerned that I wouldn’t be considered ‘bad enough’ (ie underweight) to get help but this was wrong. I might need this support for a couple of years but I’m okay with that. I’ve lived with this condition for 16 years so a couple more years I can deal with so long as there is progress. There already has been! The way I see myself and the condition has changed, my understanding of my emotions and behaviours has changed, I’m blaming myself less but I’m still remaining accountable. This is a journey of learning, trial and error and I have support behind me to pick me up when I fail.

These blogs are not so much for the reader, but more so for me to remind myself of how I’m going. If someone else gets something positive from it, BONUS! ❤

ADHD & Bulimia

I’ve read quite a bit recently about the correlation between ADHD and bulimia and I’ve been contemplating if this is something I need to investigate further.

Recently, while seeing both my dietitian and also my psychologist they have been very vocal in expressing that they feel I’m exhibiting clear ADHD symptoms. It’s makes sense in the behaviours that I engage in however I have reluctance to accept that it’s a possibility as I don’t want to jump into a tiktok trend.

I see alot of exposure around ADHD lately and some of the posts make me feel like this idea and it’s prevalence is a joke. A lot of the behaviours that are being highlighted are basic human behaviours that everyone would have gone through and experienced. I feel as if it is taking away from the credibility of a diagnosis and almost making a mockery of it.

In my personal life I’ve noticed that I tend to attract people with ADHD and get along well with them. I’ve been wondering if this is due to unconscious commonality or maybe it’s just coincidence. I do believe my father has it but went undiagnosed and this would absolutely explain characteristics that I picked up as a child through learner behaviour.

Right now, I have too much time devoted to other areas and I want to work on those before I commit to potentially more inner work.

Maybe it’s something I’ll investigate. I’ll let myself continue pondering.