How’s it going?

I managed to remain binge purge free for 27 days before an episode occurred. The catalyst of my slipup was my partner leaving for a week to play in a defence squash tournament.

My clinicians want me to pay close attention to the thoughts I am experiencing when these instances occur to understand my triggers. The evening this happened I was being taken back in my mind to the last time my partner went away. In that time I snowballed and it was almost a daily event to binge and purge.

I could feel the same feelings and it was almost like I was thinking the same thoughts. I suppose this was my memory replaying what it expected would happen and I was not strong enough to intercept. The cravings were strong and although I tried napping to avoid letting it happen, I still had the same strong desire when I woke.

I tried to remind myself how proud I had been to tell people I’d gone so long without relapsing. A small voice in me knew that what I should do is remove myself from the environment but a stronger voice didn’t want to and was telling me that it wouldn’t work anyway and would be a waste of time. In the end the addiction won and I caved. Back to square one.

Instead of ignoring and sweeping this under the carpet, I’m required to reflect upon what happened. In reflection is where the magic happens and I’m able to pick myself apart. I don’t have to accept that this is me. The more time I spend assessing, observing and understanding why this happens, the more chance I have of moving on.

Love Hate

What part of your routine do you always try to skip if you can?

I started practising yoga of a morning this year. I found it so helpful for clarity of mind and loosening up my limbs. I’ll be honest though, more recently it has taken a back seat. It’s so hard for me to get myself on the mat but once I start doing it I never regret it. I watch 10 minute morning routines by aYoutuber named Kassandra. She also prompts for a daily intent word which is great for setting up a helpful frame of mind.

I need to push myself and get back to it. It’s slipped away but the yoga mat is still positioned in a prominent spot that gets my attention.