To improve my understanding of myself

What is your mission?

I’ve decided I need to spend more time writing this year and unraveling whatever is going on in my life at any current time. I would like to better understand and rationalise difficulties that I’m facing in my day to day.

My most bothersome issue at the moment is that I don’t express myself well and don’t have the words on hand to do so. I feel that by writing it may unlock a part in my brain that generates and encourages new words and ways of expression to unleash.

I also want to do this in a way that is positive to my environment and inspirational. I want to be a good role model and show a high standard of behaviour to whoever is in my presence.

I could use words differently.

Daily writing prompt

What could you do differently?

View all responses

I find myself frustrated with how I form sentences, the intonation that I use and the level of exertion I feel it takes to speak out loud.

I have noticed that it’s like once I have thought a thought, I no longer need or can be bothered to speak it out loud even if it’s of benefit to the situation, even if it provides opportunity for new conversation or further connection.

I often expect that those around me should know exactly the perspective that I see and it infuriates me that I should need to explain and use energy for them to click on. I realise this is unreasonable and that we all have our own automatic thoughts, and they will differ. We all use different words and expressions to convey our current state. I feel like if I were less aversed to using words and speaking, then maybe my life would be more fruitful and full of purpose. If I had a more positive outlook. I do try my best to be as optimistic and helpful as I can, but I can’t help but have these continuing grey simmering thoughts beneath the surface about my place and purpose in this world. Or my lack thereof.

I often get frustrated by my own neuroticism and inability to bring interesting topics to a conversation. I avoid social interactions as they make me withdraw even further and feel even less involved.

I have always been about doing, not saying. I like to get to the point and don’t understand need for aimless chatter.

I could be less brash.

I could be more outgoing.

I could spend less time inside my own mind.

How’s it going?

I managed to remain binge purge free for 27 days before an episode occurred. The catalyst of my slipup was my partner leaving for a week to play in a defence squash tournament.

My clinicians want me to pay close attention to the thoughts I am experiencing when these instances occur to understand my triggers. The evening this happened I was being taken back in my mind to the last time my partner went away. In that time I snowballed and it was almost a daily event to binge and purge.

I could feel the same feelings and it was almost like I was thinking the same thoughts. I suppose this was my memory replaying what it expected would happen and I was not strong enough to intercept. The cravings were strong and although I tried napping to avoid letting it happen, I still had the same strong desire when I woke.

I tried to remind myself how proud I had been to tell people I’d gone so long without relapsing. A small voice in me knew that what I should do is remove myself from the environment but a stronger voice didn’t want to and was telling me that it wouldn’t work anyway and would be a waste of time. In the end the addiction won and I caved. Back to square one.

Instead of ignoring and sweeping this under the carpet, I’m required to reflect upon what happened. In reflection is where the magic happens and I’m able to pick myself apart. I don’t have to accept that this is me. The more time I spend assessing, observing and understanding why this happens, the more chance I have of moving on.

Love Hate

What part of your routine do you always try to skip if you can?

I started practising yoga of a morning this year. I found it so helpful for clarity of mind and loosening up my limbs. I’ll be honest though, more recently it has taken a back seat. It’s so hard for me to get myself on the mat but once I start doing it I never regret it. I watch 10 minute morning routines by aYoutuber named Kassandra. She also prompts for a daily intent word which is great for setting up a helpful frame of mind.

I need to push myself and get back to it. It’s slipped away but the yoga mat is still positioned in a prominent spot that gets my attention.

Make it come true.

You have three magic genie wishes, what are you asking for?

If I were to be given 3 wishes I would ask for the following:

1. To only ever have positive thoughts and speak positive, wise words. I would always be able to spin a negative situation into a positive one and find solutions to all problems. I would love myself and love others. I would be a wonderful influence on everyone around me.

2. To be bold and creative. Through this boldness and creativity I would be able to build the life of my dreams myself. I would come up with all kinds of amazing ideas and build a strong thriving business for myself which would give me the income I need to live an abundant life.

3. I would wish for a healthier childhood. One where I engaged in team sports and was active. One where my body was nourished correctly. I realise I missed out on social connection and team building skills by not participating in sports as a child. I also wouldn’t have reached the weight that I did in my high school years, my skin would not have stretched and I wouldn’t have developed the level of self loathing that I did.

Progress

I thought I should celebrate my progress so far with my ED recovery.

I began seeing my dietitian at the end of August this year and have since made alot of positive mental progress. My thoughts towards food have changed, my eating occurrences have increased, my hunger and cravings have decreased and my mood and energy levels feel more stabilised. I still have my days when I slip up but here is an overview of how things have changed since early this year.

Below is a tally of how many days per month I engaged in binge/purge behaviours.

April: 13

May: 23

June: 22

July: 21

August: 18

September: 14

October: 6

It’s hard to determine all the reasons why I behave in this way, there are many different triggers but often the initation of doing the behaviour snowballs into its continuation. It’s a habit I’ve developed and ingrained into my psyche over many many years and it needs conscious interception to stop and swap it with healthy behaviours.

I’m learning to be less harsh on myself, but that’s difficult as I feel pressures all around to be more, do more, be better. This rings true inside my mind even when I’m alone. If I sit for too long I feel guilty and lazy. I also have intrusive thoughts questioning why I bother to do anything at all. I tell myself I’m not contributing to society, I’m not a helpful person to talk to, I’m a bad influence, etc etc. These thoughts are hard to muffle.

On a lighter note, I’m going to end with a positive quote.

*All I need comes to me at the right place and at the right time*

Big Idea

What’s the biggest risk you’d like to take — but haven’t been able to?

I’ve had an idea right in the back of my mind collecting dust that I’ve finally brushed off and have been playing with again recently. Much more seriously this time.

I want to start a mobile coffee business. Upon beginning my research, I realise there are ALOT of considerations to make and many different variables.

I have the basic branding worked out including the name and colour scheme and very recently have set myself a budget to work with.

I will need to sit down and work out the costings for initial setup and project my ongoing expenses during operation. I’ll also need to find leads and opportunities to sell my product and decide on suppliers and determine type of customers I will target. I already have rough sketches in my mind of this.

I also need to look into the administration side of things such as permits, certifications, legal considerations, insurances, etc.

It’s a big job but I’m feeling more and more certain that I want to take it on.

Reddit – Positive Perspective

I came across an ED related post on Reddit yesterday about a female in a similar position to myself. She has been struggling with Bulimia for 15 years and not seeing any light in her situation.

I wanted to give her some of the hope that I’m currently feeling towards my relationship with the disorder and responded to her post with the following paragraph. I’m proud of what I wrote, 1. because it’s the truth and 2. Because I’ve never felt this way or been in this position before and it’s evident that I’ve made progress.

Hey 👋 I’m 30 next month and I’ve had bulimia since 14.
I understand your exhaustion with this.
It wasn’t until this year that I decided to take serious ownership and get help. I have always struggled to ask people for help and to open up but another deciding factor was my partner telling me he couldn’t handle my low mental state any longer and if I cared at all for our relationship I needed to get help. This was some tough love but absolutely fair. My lack of self esteem and desire for life was so low and was impacting him. If I can’t love myself, how can I allow someone else to. I was always saying self deprecating things around him and I still sometimes do but it’s not healthy for a partner to have to put up with that.
I got myself a regular GP at the start of the year and started the process to get onto an eating disorder care plan. I’m in Australia and luckily they have these available to those struggling with these conditions.
Due to the lack of professionals available in the sector and the high prevalence of individuals experiencing these kinds of conditions it’s been a huge wait to get the chance to see someone. It was a big process getting all the paperwork sorted and then the long wait to finally see someone but I started seeing a dietitian in August and just last week I now have a psychologist on board. I’ve been so hesitant in the past but they’ve been incredibly supportive in validating me and educating me. They have made changes in the way I perceive myself, understanding my triggers and helping me to find strategies to overcome urges. It’s not over and it’s not a linear journey but I’m feeling optimistic about it. I was mostly concerned that I wouldn’t be considered ‘bad enough’ (ie underweight) to get help but this was wrong. I might need this support for a couple of years but I’m okay with that. I’ve lived with this condition for 16 years so a couple more years I can deal with so long as there is progress. There already has been! The way I see myself and the condition has changed, my understanding of my emotions and behaviours has changed, I’m blaming myself less but I’m still remaining accountable. This is a journey of learning, trial and error and I have support behind me to pick me up when I fail.

These blogs are not so much for the reader, but more so for me to remind myself of how I’m going. If someone else gets something positive from it, BONUS! ❤

ADHD & Bulimia

I’ve read quite a bit recently about the correlation between ADHD and bulimia and I’ve been contemplating if this is something I need to investigate further.

Recently, while seeing both my dietitian and also my psychologist they have been very vocal in expressing that they feel I’m exhibiting clear ADHD symptoms. It’s makes sense in the behaviours that I engage in however I have reluctance to accept that it’s a possibility as I don’t want to jump into a tiktok trend.

I see alot of exposure around ADHD lately and some of the posts make me feel like this idea and it’s prevalence is a joke. A lot of the behaviours that are being highlighted are basic human behaviours that everyone would have gone through and experienced. I feel as if it is taking away from the credibility of a diagnosis and almost making a mockery of it.

In my personal life I’ve noticed that I tend to attract people with ADHD and get along well with them. I’ve been wondering if this is due to unconscious commonality or maybe it’s just coincidence. I do believe my father has it but went undiagnosed and this would absolutely explain characteristics that I picked up as a child through learner behaviour.

Right now, I have too much time devoted to other areas and I want to work on those before I commit to potentially more inner work.

Maybe it’s something I’ll investigate. I’ll let myself continue pondering.

7 Days Sober

This is my longest streak in 6 months without binge purge behaviours!! I feel inwardly proud but outwardly there’s no emotion. I know this isn’t the end of my battle but this is great progress.

I now have 3 professionals on my team, knowing my situation and having my back. This is the first time I’ve been accepting of help and doing my best to be as transparent and honest as possible. There’s been so much shame in the past but I know that I have to disclose every thought and every feeling to truly understand what my triggers are and how I can change my thinking and behaviours to recover.

Friday was the first appointment with my ED Psychologist. I have been accepted into the Flinders University Service for Eating Disorders. This service is part of a study for trialling a new form of therapy based on CBT. I am also super fortunate that because it is a study, I do not need to pay. I am so thankful because the costs can really add up when seeing a trifecta of medical professionals.

I feel like I am understood and respected by them all which makes this process so much easier. In the past I didn’t feel that way but I also had walls up which makes it impossible to build a relationship.

Here’s to another behaviour free day 🤞🤞